to Love Again (1981) Read online

  Chapter SIX

  Mamma, Mamma ' it's Bernardo! Alessandro's nose was pressed to the glass; the Christmas tree sparkled behind him. Isabella put her arms around him and looked outside. She was smiling. She and Bernardo had set aside the wars a few days before. She needed him this year, desperately, and so did the child. She and Amadeo had both lost their parents over the last decade, and as only children they had nothing to offer Alessandro in the way of family, except themselves and their friend. As always Bernardo had come through. Oh, look ' look! It's tremendous! He has a package ' and look! More! Bernardo did a hilarious pantomime, staggering under the weight of his bundles, all of them shoved into a huge canvas sack. He was wearing a Father Christmas hat with one of his dark suits.

  Isabella was laughing too as the guard opened the door. Ciao, Nardo, come va? He kissed her lightly on the cheek and turned his attention instantly to the little boy. It had been a rough couple of weeks in the office. The IHI matter was definitely closed. Isabella had sent them a brutally succinct letter, and Bernardo had been livid to his very core. Other problems had cropped up; all finally had been handled and resolved. It had been a wearying time for both of them. But somehow, with the depressing threat of Christmas, they had both managed to put their differences aside. She handed him a glass of brandy as they all sat down next to the fire.

  When can I open them? Now? ' Now? Alessandro was hopping up and down like a little red elf in sleepers as Mamma Teresa hovered somewhere near the door. The servants were all celebrating in the kitchen, with wine and the presents Isabella had given them the night before. The only members of the household not included in the celebration were the guards. They were treated as invisibles, and the safety of the entire household depended on their remaining on duty at all the entrances to the villa and just outside. The phone men were posted as usual in Amadeo's old study, and the crank calls raged on, doubled now, for some reason, during the holidays. As though what they had already been through hadn't been enough. There had to be more. And Bernardo knew it was taking its toll on her. She always knew about the calls, as though she sensed them. She trusted no one now. Something tender and giving that had been so much a part of her was slowly dying inside.

  When can I open them? When? Alessandro tugged at Bernardo's sleeve. He pretended not to hear.

  Open what? That's just my laundry over there in that bag.

  No, it's not ' no, it's not! Mamma ' please' .

  I don't think he'll make it till midnight, let alone Christmas Day! Even Isabella was smiling as her eyes gently caressed the child. What about Mamma Teresa, Darling? Why don't you give her her present first?

  Oh, Mamma!

  Come on. She pushed a large package into his arms and he scampered off to deliver a handsome pink satin robe to her, the finest from Isabella's American line. From Isabella there had already been a handbag and a small elegant gold watch. This was a year to be good to everyone, all of those who had shown themselves so devoted to her and the child. At least she no longer suspected the members of her household. She believed, at last, that the betrayers had been people from outside. She had given Enzo a new coat, a warm, black cashmere to wear over his uniform when he chauffeured her around town, and an excellent new radio for his room. He could even get Paris and London on it, he had told her with pride that day. There had been presents for the entire household, and equally handsome, thoughtful ones for everyone at the office. But for Alessandro there had been the most special gift of all. He had not seen it yet, but Enzo already had it mounted and everything prepared.

  He had just scampered back into the room. She says it's beautiful and she'll wear it all her life and think of me. Alessandro looked happy with the effect the large pink bathrobe had had. Now me.

  Isabella and Bernardo laughed as they looked at him, with eyes so bright and opened so wide. For a moment it was as though nothing ugly had ever happened. For an instant the pain of the last months was not.

  All right, Master Alessandro. Go to it! Bernardo waved grandiosely toward the large canvas bag, and the boy dove toward it and then into it with loud squeals of glee. Paper and ribbons instantly started flying, and in a moment he was wearing the silver astronaut suit, the feet of his red sleepers peeking through. He was laughing and giggling and slid rapidly across the highly polished wood floor to give Bernardo a kiss, before diving back for more. The games, new crayons, a large cuddly brown bear, and then the bicycle at last, pushed way to the back of the large canvas sack.

  Oh ' oh ' it's beautiful. ' Is it ' is it a Rolls-Royce? They both laughed as they watched him, already astride the new bike.

  Of course it's a Rolls. Would I give you anything less? He was already weaving across the living room, aimed first at a Louis XV table, then at the wall, as the two people who loved him laughed till they cried. And then they all saw Enzo, smiling hesitantly from the door. His eyes questioned Isabella, and she nodded with a smile. She whispered something to Bernardo, and he raised his eyebrows and then laughed.

  I think I may have been outdone.

  Not at all. He'll probably come to breakfast on the bicycle tomorrow morning. But this ' I just wanted to give him something to make him less unhappy about being confined at home. He can't ' she hesitated painfully for a moment, ' he can't go to the playground anymore. Bernardo nodded silently, put down his brandy, and rose. But the momentary sadness in Isabella's eyes was gone again, as she turned smilingly to the child. Go get Mamma Teresa and your coat.

  Are we going out? He looked intrigued.

  Just for a minute.

  Can't I wear this? He looked down happily at his astronaut suit, and Bernardo took a gentle swing at his behind.

  Go on, you can wear your coat over it.

  Okay. He said the American word with his own Roman accent and disappeared at full speed as Bernardo winced.

  I may have to replace the mirrors in your hall.

  Not to mention the dining room table, all the cabinets between here and his room, and possibly the glass doors. They both listened smilingly as the bicycle bell rang out from the long hall. It was just the right gift. She also knew that it had been what Amadeo planned for him, and for a moment no one spoke. She looked at him searchingly then and let out a small sigh. I'm glad you could be here with Alessandro this year, Nardo ' and with me too.

  Gently he touched her hand as the fire in the hearth crackled and blazed. I wouldn't have been anywhere else. And then he smiled at her. Despite the ulcers you give me at work. But this was different. And now suddenly there was a different kind of electricity in the air.

  I'm sorry, I I feel so much on my shoulders now. I keep thinking you'll understand. She looked up at him, the beautifully etched face so pale and so perfectly set around the dark eyes.

  I do understand. I could help more, you know, if you'd let me.

  I'm not sure I can. I have this insane urge to to do it all myself. It's difficult to explain. It's all I have left, except Alessandro.

  One day there will be more. One day ' but she only shook her head.

  Never again. There is no one like him. He was a very special man. Tears rolled into her eyes again as she pulled her hand away and looked silently into the fire. And Bernardo looked away and sipped at his brandy again as he heard the bicycle bell chime and Alessandro come careening down the hall with Mamma Teresa in tow. Ready? Isabella's eyes were a little too shiny, but nothing in the face she turned to her child showed how great was her pain.

  Si. The little face looked out impishly from the large plastic astronaut hat.

  Allora, andiamo. Isabella stood up and led the way to the double doors leading into the garden. A guard was unobtrusively standing off to the side, and they all saw now that the garden was brilliantly lit. She looked down at the child, and she heard him catch his breath.

  Mamma! ' Mamma! It was a small but beautiful carousel, just the right size for a five-year-old child. It had cost her a fortune, but it was worth every bit of it when she saw the light in his eyes. Four hor
ses danced gaily beneath a carved wooden tent painted red and white; there were bells and clowns and decorations. Bernardo thought he had never seen the boy's eyes so wide. Enzo helped him carefully into the saddle of a blue-painted horse with green ribbons attached to a golden halter ringed with little silver bells. A switch was flicked on, and the carousel began to turn. Alessandro squealed with excitement and delight. The night was suddenly filled with carnival music as the servants came to the windows, and everywhere his audience smiled.

  Buon Natale! Isabella called out to him and then ran to jump into the saddle of the next horse, a yellow one with a little red saddle edged in gold. They laughed at each other as the carousel spun slowly around. Bernardo watched them, feeling something very tender tear at his heart. Mamma Teresa turned away, wiping a tear from her eye, and Enzo and the guard shared a smile.

  Alessandro rode 'round and 'round for almost half an hour, and then at last Isabella urged him back inside.

  It will still be there in the morning.

  But I want to ride it tonight.

  If you stay out here all night, Santa Claus won't come.

  Santa Claus? Bernardo smiled to himself. What didn't the child have? The smile faded. A father. That's what Alessandro didn't have. He helped the child down from the carousel and held his hand tightly as they walked back inside. He disappeared quickly to the kitchen as Bernardo and Isabella regained their seats by the fire.

  What a marvelous thing, Isabella. The echo of the carnival chimes still rang in his head. And finally she was smiling as she hadn't in months.

  I always wanted one of my very own when I was a child. It's perfect, isn't it? For a moment her eyes were almost as bright as the fire. For an instant he wanted to say So are you. She was a remarkable woman. He hated her and loved her, and she was his dearest friend.

  Do you suppose he'll let us ride it with him if we're very, very nice? She laughed with him and poured herself a small glass of red wine. And then as though she had forgotten something, she jumped to her feet and ran to the tree.

  I almost forgot. She picked up two small boxes wrapped in gold and returned to the fire. For you.

  If it's not a carousel of my very own, I don't want it. And again they both laughed. But the laughter dimmed very quickly as he discovered what was inside. The first was a tiny immensely intricate calculator in its own silver case; it looked like a very elegant cigarette case and could be worn concealed in his vest.

  I had it sent from the States. I don't understand it. But you will.

  Isabella, you're crazy!

  Don't be silly. I should have gotten you a hot-water bottle for your ulcer, but I thought this might be more fun. She kissed him fondly on the cheek and handed him the next box. But this time she turned away, staring into the fire. And when he had opened it, he fell silent as well. There was very little he could say. It was the pocket watch he knew Amadeo had treasured and had almost never worn because it was so sacred to him. It had belonged to his father, and on its back initials of three generations of San Gregorio's were elaborately engraved. Beneath them, he suddenly realized, were his own.

  I don't know what to say.

  Ni+?nte, caro. There is nothing to say.

  Alessandro should have this. But she only shook her head.

  No, Nardo. You should. And for an endless moment her eyes held his. She wanted him to know that no matter how great the friction between them at work, he was precious to her, and he mattered. A great deal. He and Alessandro were all she had left now. And Bernardo would always be special to her. He was her friend. As he had been Amadeo's friend too. The watch was to remind him of that, that he was something more than simply the director of San Gregorio or the man she yelled at every day, twenty-seven times before noon. Away from the office he was someone important to her, a kind of family. He was a part of her other life. And the look in her eyes told him all that now as he watched her. His eyes seemed to hold hers for a very long time as though he were wondering about something, as though he were trying to resist a tidal wave over which he had no control.

  Isabella' . He sounded suddenly oddly formal, and she waited, knowing he was deeply moved by the gift. I I have something to say to you. I have for a long time. It may be the wrong time. It probably is' . I'm not sure. But I have to tell you. I must be honest with you now. It's ' very important ' to me. He hesitated lengthily between words as though what he was saying was very difficult for him, and the look in his eyes told her it was.

  Is something wrong? Her eyes suddenly filled with compassion. He looked agonized, poor man, and she had been so hard lately. What in God's name was he about to say? She sat very still and waited. Nardo ' you look frightened, caro. You needn't. Whatever it is, you can say it to me. God knows we've been outspoken enough for all these years. She tried to make him smile and he wouldn't, and for the first time in all the years he had known her, he thought her insensitive. My God, how could she not know? But it wasn't insensitivity, it was blindness. He knew it as he watched her, and then he nodded and put down his glass.

  I am frightened. What I have to tell you used to frighten me a great deal. And what worries me now is that it might frighten you. And I don't want it to. That's the last thing I want. She sat very still, watching him, waiting.

  Nardo' . She started to speak, holding out a long graceful white hand. He took it and held it fast in his own. His eyes never left hers.

  I will tell you very simply, Bellezza. There's no other way. I love you. And then softly, I have for years.

  She seemed almost to jump at his words, as though a current had suddenly gone through her and shocked her entire body. What?

  I love you. He seemed less frightened this time and more like the Bernardo she knew.

  But Nardo ' all these years?

  All these years. He said it proudly now. He felt better. At last it was out.

  How could you?

  Very easily. You're a pain in the ass a lot of the time, but strangely enough that doesn't make you hard to love. He was smiling and she laughed suddenly; it seemed to break some of the tension in the room.

  But why? She stood up now and walked pensively toward the fire.

  Why did I love you or why didn't I tell you?

  All of it. And why now? Why now, Nardo ' why must you tell me now? There were suddenly tears in her voice and her eyes as she leaned against the mantelpiece, staring into the fire. He walked softly toward her, stood next to her, and turned her face gently toward his so he could look into her eyes.

  I didn't tell you for all these years because I loved both of you. I loved Amadeo too, you know. He was a very special man. I would never have done anything to hurt him or you. I put away my feelings, I sublimated them. I put what I felt into the business, and maybe he smiled even into fighting with you. But now ' everything has changed. Amadeo is gone. And day after day after week I watch you, lonely, destroying yourself, pushing yourself, alone, always alone. I can't bear it anymore. I'm there for you. I have been for all these years. It's time you knew that. It's time you turned to me, Isabella. And ' he hesitated for a long moment, and then he stood very still and said it, ' and it's time I got mine too. Time I was able to tell you that I love you, to feel you in my arms, to be Alessandro's stepfather, if you let me, and not just his friend. Maybe I'm mad to tell you all this, but ' I I have to' . I've loved you for too long. His voice was hoarse with the pent-up passion of years, and as she watched him tears wended their way slowly down her face, rolling mercilessly down her cheeks and onto her dress. He watched her and slowly let his hand go to her face and brush away the tears. It was the first time he had touched her that way, and he felt unbridled passion tear through his loins. Almost without thinking, he pulled her toward him and crushed his mouth against hers. She didn't fight him, and for an instant he thought he felt her kiss him back. She was hungry and lonely and sad and afraid, but what was happening was too much for her, and suddenly she pushed him firmly away. They were both breathless, and Isabella was wild eyed a
s she looked at her old friend.

  No, Nardo! ' No! She was as much fighting against what he had just told her as against his kiss.

  But suddenly he looked even more frightened than she did, and he shook his head. I'm sorry. Not for what I've said. But for for pushing you too quickly. ' I ' my God, I'm so sorry. It is too soon. I was wrong.

  But as she watched him she felt achingly sorry for him. It was obvious that he had suffered for years. And during all of that time she had never known and she was certain that Amadeo had been as ignorant as she. But how could she have been so stupid? How could she have not seen? She looked at him now with compassion and tenderness and held out both hands. Don't be sorry, Nardo, it's all right. But as a bright light of hope came into his eyes, she quickly shook her head. No, I don't mean it like that. I I just don't know. It's too soon. But you weren't wrong; if that's what you feel, you should tell me. You should have told me a long time ago.

  And then what? For a moment he sounded bitter and jealous of his old friend.

  I don't know. But I must have seemed very stupid and cruel over the years. She looked at him warmly, and he smiled.

  No. Just very blind. But perhaps it was better that way. Had I told you, it would have complicated things. It may do that now.

  It doesn't have to.

  But it might. Do you want me to leave San Gregorio, Isabella? He said it honestly, and his voice sounded very tired. It had been a difficult evening for him.

  But she looked at him now with fire in her eyes. Are you crazy? Why? Because you kissed me? Because you told me you loved me? For that you would leave? Don't do that to me, Nardo. I need you, in too many ways. I don't know what I feel right now. I'm still numb. I still want Amadeo night and day ' about half of the time I don't understand that he's never coming home. I still expect him to ' I still hear him and see him and smell him' . There's no room for anyone else in my life, except Alessandro. I can't make you any promises now. I can barely hear what you're saying. I hear it, but I don't really understand it. Not really. Maybe one day I will. But until then all I can do is love you as I always have, as a brother, as a friend. If that's a reason for you to leave San Gregorio, then do it, but I will never understand. We can go on as we always have; there is no reason not to.