Season of Passion Read online

  The same bear as Tom's. She wondered how his Willie was doing just then, if Tom was holding it, loving it, or had already forgotten it. She touched the bear gently and then left the room.

  What are you up to?

  Spaghetti okay with you? It was one of three things Felicia could cook. The other two were fried eggs and steak. Kate nodded.

  Wonderful. Spaghetti ought to be worth another five pounds, but at this point, what the hell.

  They ate dinner by candlelight, looking at the view, and it was refreshing to have someone to talk to. Kate was growing too used to silence, and to seeing only Tom. She needed Felicia to add a little pepper to the cream soup of her life. Felicia added lots of it. Pepper supreme. She was in the midst of regaling Kate with the week's gossip from die store who was screwing whom, being promoted, getting fired, or had turned out to be a fag after all. But Kate wasn't listening as intently or laughing as hard as she normally would have.

  What's the matter, love? You look kind of green. My spaghetti?

  No. I think it's those goddamn cherries again. It was that same gnawing, grinding feeling she'd had before dinner, only slightly worse.

  Cherries, my ass. You wore yourself out. Why don't you lie down on the couch? Or do you want to go to bed?

  I'm not really tired. In fact, she felt jumpy, but she had felt like that before, just after seeing Tom. She lay down on the couch anyway, and then started to joke with Felicia again. Maybe it is your lousy spaghetti.

  Up yours, lady. I happen to make the best spaghetti in the West.

  Mama Felicia.

  Felicia concocted herself another martini and the two women bantered and laughed. But the indigestion grew worse rather than better.

  Maybe I'll go to bed after all.

  Okay. See ya. Felicia grinned as Kate went off to her room. The dishes had already been done. Kate had meant to say something about being glad her friend was there, but she had told her so many times before that she was no longer sure how to say it.

  Kate was asleep before nine o'clock, and Felicia tucked herself onto the couch with a book. She wasn't tired and it had been a rough week at work. It was nice just to sit and unwind, nice to get away. She got engrossed in the novel and it was almost one o'clock when she heard Kate stirring in her room. She listened for a minute to be sure, and then she saw a gleam of light under the bedroom door.

  You okay? Felicia was frowning as she called out But the voice came back quickly.

  Yeah. She did sound all right

  You still have that bellyache?

  Uh huh.

  It was two minutes later when Kate came out of her room, and stood in the doorway in a long pink and white nightgown. She looked like a strangely swollen child, and on her face was a bright wide-eyed smile.

  Felicia ' The smile broadened.

  Yeah? What's up? Felicia didn't know what to make of the look on Kate's face. She looked ethereally happy, and Felicia had never seen her look like that before.

  I don't think it's a bellyache. I think maybe ' it's the baby. Kate almost laughed. She felt elated. It was crazy she was scared, and it was too soon, but she was excited. The baby! It was coming at last!

  You mean you're having it? Felicia suddenly looked gray.

  Kate nodded. Maybe. I'm not sure.

  Isn't it early?

  Kate nodded again, but she didn't look upset I think eight months is safe. And it's been almost eight and a half.'

  Did you call the doctor?

  Kate nodded again solemnly, with a look of victory. She was going to do it. She was going to have the baby. Maybe tonight. She didn't have to wait anymore. It was over! It was beginning! He said to call him back in an hour, or if the pains got much harder.

  You're having pains? Felicia squeezed the book in her lap and stared at her friend.

  I guess so. I thought it was just indigestion, but they keep getting stronger, and then every now and then ' And then, as though impatient with talking, she sat down suddenly and reached for Felicia's hand. Here, you can feel it.

  Without thinking, Felicia let Kate put her hand on the bloated belly. She could feel its hardness and tightness. It didn't even feel like a belly. It felt like a wall, a floor, something that could be cracked open, not squeezed.

  My God, how awful. Does it hurt?

  Kate shook her head, with that same excited look in her eyes, but there was a thin veil of sweat on her forehead. No, it doesn't hurt. It just feels very, very tight.

  Can I get you something, love? Felicia's hands were trembling and Kate laughed.

  No, and if you fall apart now, I'll kick your ass. I'm glad you're here.

  So am I. But she didn't look it and Kate laughed again.

  Relax

  Yeah. Felicia sighed deeply and sat back against the back of the couch. I can handle almost any crisis. But babies have never been my thing. I've never been to one before, I mean ' oh damn. I need a drink. The unrufflable Felicia Norman was ruffling badly, and Kate was strangely calm. This was what she had waited nearly nine months for.

  You don't need a drink, Licia. I need you. That was a sobering thought and Felicia looked at her. Kate didn't look as though she needed anyone

  You mean it?

  Yes. Her voice was tight again, and Felicia watched her. She knew what it was now.

  Another pain?

  Kate nodded, with a vague look, as though she were thinking of something else, and Felicia silently held out her hand. Kate took it and squeezed hard. The pains were starting to hurt.

  Chapter 4

  The pains were rising to a rapid crescendo now, and there was barely a moment to breathe between them. Felicia sat tensely in a chair near the bed in the bleak little hospital room. She was holding Kate's hand. The sun was just peeking over the hills with a golden halo around it

  Want another piece of ice? Felicia's voice was harsh in the quiet room, but Kate only shook her head. She couldn't speak now. She just lay there, panting determinedly as she had learned to do in the classes she had taken two months before. Aren't you tired of doing that? Kate shook her head again, closed her eyes, and for ten seconds the panting stopped. She hardly had time for one normal breath before the pain crashed through her consciousness again. Her hair lay damp and matted around her face, and for what seemed the thousandth time that night Felicia stood up and wiped her forehead with a damp doth. The exhilaration was gone from Kate's face. The only thing visible there now was pain.

  Hang in, love, it can't be much longer. Kate showed no sign of having heard. She was panting again, and then suddenly she stopped and a soft moan gave way to a short startling scream. Felicia jumped in surprise, as Kate began to thrash in her bed and move her head from side to side.

  Licia ' can't ' I can't ' anymore ' But even the time it took to say those words was too long. Already the pain was tearing through her again, and another moan escaped her, quickly capped by another scream.

  Kate ' hey, baby, come on ' Jesus. She wasn't prepared for this. It was worse than anything she'd seen in the movies. Frantically, Felicia rang for the nurse, and Kate began to cry.

  It was less than a minute later when the nurse opened the door and stuck her head inside. How's it going, girls? Felicia looked at her in icy fury.

  How does it look like it's going? She wanted to kill her. Why the hell wasn't she doing something for Kate? The girl was in agony for chrissake. People died like that didn't they?

  Looks just fine to me. The nurse's eyes seemed to shoot sparks at Felicia. She walked quickly to Kate's bed and took the girl's hand. You're almost there, Kate. This is the hard part. You're in transition now. After this it gets lots easier, and pretty soon you can start to push. Kate turned her head from side to side again, in a sharp frantic motion, and her tears mixed with the sweat running into her hair.

  I can't' I can't ' She retched as though to throw up, but nothing came.

  Yes, you can. Come on, I'll breathe with you. And quickly, the nurse started the panting, holding firmly
to Kate's hand. Come on, now, Kate ' now ' She could see the pain starting to tear at Kate's face again. Now ' there ' The panting was driving Felicia nuts, but Kate looked less panicky. Maybe she would make it after all. God, it was awful though. Christ, why would anyone go through that? Another soft moan, and then a sharp little scream burst in on her thoughts again, and the nurse's soft purring continued. She wondered how Kate stood it; she had always seemed so frail. No child was worth this. No man. No one. Felicia felt tears burn her eyes, as she turned to look at the rising sun. She couldn't bear to see her friend suffer anymore. She had already been through too much, and now this. When Felicia turned from the window, she found the nurse's eyes meeting hers, this time more gently. Why don't you get a cup of coffee? The coffee shop should be open by now.

  No, it's all right I--

  Go on. We're doing fine. And she was right, Kate did look better. There was still that dogged look of pain in her eyes, but she was back in the fight again. And probably working too hard to cafe whether Felicia left for a few minutes. This was labor, in the real sense of the word.

  Okay. But I'll be back soon.

  We'll be here. The nurse smiled cheerily and went on breathing with Kate while timing contractions. And for the first time, Felicia felt left out She wondered if that was how fathers felt as they watched their wives writhe in pain, straining toward a goal a man could see but never feel. Felicia knew she would never feel that pain. She would never love anyone enough for that. Not the way Kate had loved Tom. Thinking about it tore at her again, as she walked soberly toward the coffee shop. She didn't even want a drink now. What she really wanted was to know that it was over, and go home to shower and sleep. The long drive of the day before and the long sleepless night were beginning to catch up with her.

  How's Mrs. Harper doing? A fat matronly nurse at the desk glanced up at Felicia. It was a very small town. Felicia wondered if the woman at the desk remembered everyone's name.

  I don't know. It looks awful to me.

  Ever had a baby? Felicia shook her head expressionlessly. Funny to be answering these questions for a stranger. The woman nodded. She'll forget all about it in a couple of days. She may talk about it a little, but she'll forget You'll remember it longer than she will.

  Maybe so. For no reason she could fathom, she paused for a moment at the desk, as though expecting the nurse to say more. Just talking to someone was comforting. I hope it won't be much longer.

  Might be. Might not. Hard to tell. It's her first one, isn't it? Felicia nodded. Then that meant more pain, did it? The first one. And maybe her last. Poor Kate ' Don't look so sad. She'll be just fine. You'll see. As soon as the baby's born she'll be laughing and crying, and she'll call her folks and tell everyone she knows. The woman's face clouded momentarily as she looked at Felicia. She's a widow though, isn't she?

  Yes.

  That's an awful shame. At a time like this. What did he die of?

  Of ' in an accident. Felicia's face closed quietly. Like a door. They had said enough.

  I'm sorry. The nurse had sensed it, and sat silently for a moment, as Felicia gave her a small mechanical smile and walked away. The coffee would do her good.

  She spent only five minutes in the coffee shop. She would have stayed for days if she could have, but she didn't want to leave Kate alone. She swallowed the hot coffee as quickly as her mouth could stand it, and considered an order of toast. But that seemed excessive. Kate was in agony, and she was going to eat toast? The thought of it made her feel sick. And then, suddenly, as she waited for her check, she found herself thinking of Tom. She wondered if Kate was thinking of him too, or only of her pain. Tom. He should have been here for this. It was incredible to realize that he would never see his child. He would never understand that he had one. The girl behind the counter slipped the check under Felicia's empty cup, and Felicia glanced at it and absentmindedly left two quarters on the counter. She had to get back to Kate. She didn't have time for this kind of thinking.

  The black espadrilles she had worn the day before whispered silently down the corridor, and she looked down at how rumpled she was. The black cotton pant-suit she'd picked up on the third floor earlier in the week looked like she'd slept in it, and the heavy Indian silver bracelet was leaving a long red furrow on her arm. She wondered how much longer this waiting would go on, and how much more Kate could take. She had been in labor since a little after midnight, and it was now just after seven in the morning. But when Felicia gently pushed open the door, things had changed in the room. Kate's face was wet with sweat now, not just damp she looked as though she had been standing under the shower. The blue hospital gown clung to her body, and her hand kept a white-knuckled grip on the nurse. But her eyes were brighter, her face was alive, and the rhythm of her movements had changed; it was as though she had moved from an agonized painful trot to a full-blown gallop. It was hard to tell if the pain had lessened, and even the nurse couldn't take time to talk to Felicia now. She was telling Kate about cleansing breaths and giving orders with military precision. But Kate seemed to be totally absorbed in what she was saying. And then Felicia noticed the nurse's free hand go quickly to the buzzer and press three times.

  Felicia stood by, feeling useless, not knowing if things were going badly or well, and afraid to interrupt Kate's concentration by asking questions. But something had changed. Everything had. There was a light in Kate's face that Felicia had never seen before in anyone's face. It made her want to work too, want to help, want to run the race along with her and feel the winner's ribbon give way on her chest as she crossed the finish line and won. She was winning now. You could feel it in the room. She even smiled once, briefly between two mammoth pains. The smile darted away, but its aura remained.

  The nurse buzzed again, and this time the door opened quickly and two nurses in what looked like blue pajamas appeared with a gurney. Doctor's waiting for us in two. How's she doing? They looked relaxed and unconcerned, and for a moment their attitude reassured Felicia, but Kate seemed not to notice them at all. The nurse at her side waited between pains to look at the two nurses in blue, and then gave them a wide, easy smile.

  We're ready. Very ready. Right, Kate? Kate nodded, and for the first time in a while, her eyes searched for Felicia. She found her quickly, and started to talk. But she had to wait for another pain to pass before she could speak, and then the two nurses used the few seconds they had between pains to shift her to the gurney. But she was anxious for Felicia, who was quick to step to her side.

  Come with me' please, Licia '

  Now?

  I want you ' It was suddenly much harder to speak. As though all her air were cut off during the pains. Fresh rivers of sweat broke out on her face and ran down her neck, but she wouldn't let go of Felicia. Please ' when the baby comes ' you too. Felicia understood. But oh God, why her? The nurses were with Kate, they knew what they were doing. They could help her more than she could. But there was no denying that look in Kate's eyes.

  Sure, love. You just keep busy with what you're doing, and I'll be right with you holding your hand. She was already walking beside the stretcher, as it was rolled down the hall. The nurse striding quickly beside Kate raised an eyebrow in Felicia's direction.

  Are you planning to be in. the delivery room?

  There was only the tiniest second of hesitation, and then her answer was firm. Yes. Oh Jesus. Her stomach turned over again, but she couldn't let Kate down.

  Then you'll have to scrub and change your clothes.

  Where?

  In there. The nurse nodded at a door. The nurse on duty will help you. Meet us in delivery room two.

  Two?

  The nurse nodded distractedly as Kate arched her back in pain and forgot Felicia's presence. Hold on, honey, we're almost there. Not yet. Not yet Just as soon as we get you on the table. And then she was gone, and Felicia disappeared into the appointed door to scrub and change.

  She emerged less than three minutes later in sterilized blue pajamas an
d rubber-soled grounded shoes, and ran nervously down the corridor toward delivery room two. The nurse in the scrub room had told her where it would be. She pressed a floor buzzer and the door automatically swung open. She was careful to keep her hands and arms away from contact with any surfaces, as she had been told. Once in the delivery room she could hold Kate's hand, but she couldn't touch anything before that, or she'd have to scrub again, and she didn't want to keep Kate waiting that long. It had already seemed like hours. She caught a glimpse of herself in a narrow glass panel and almost grinned. She looked like a character in one of the medical shows on television, her hair tightly wound into a knot and covered with a blue cap that looked like a shower cap. She even wore a little mask. Christ, what if someone took her for a nurse? It was a horrifying thought as she walked into the delivery room, and then she realized that no one could take her for anything but a tourist. The pros were busy getting organized, and Kate was already draped with white sheets. Her legs had been strapped high in the air. To Felicia it looked primitive and cruel, but Kate didn't seem to notice. She kept lifting her head now, as though there were something to see. And for a moment, Felicia felt a small thrill run through her as she realized that maybe there was. This wasn't just Kate's ordeal anymore. It was an event, a happening, a birth. In a few minutes a baby would be born, and the horror of it would be over for, Kate. But Felicia had to admit that even now there seemed to be no horror for Kate. For the first time in hours, Kate turned her head toward her and her eyes seemed to be laughing.

  Hi, cookie. Felicia tried hard to sound more at ease than she was.

  You look ridiculous, Licia. She could talk again. Felicia felt so relieved she wanted to hug her, but knew she couldn't. Instead, she started to reach for Kate's hand, and then realized that Kate's hands were busy now, pulling at two straps to give herself the leverage she needed to push. The doctor was at the foot of the delivery table, gowned and masked, and his eyes looked kindly behind horn-rimmed glasses.

  Okay, Kate, a nice big one now ' steady ' there ' that's it' a little more ' come on, girl, harder ' there ' okay. Rest for a minute now. For a moment Kate's face had been contorted with the effort, and the damp pallor gave way to a hot flush of bursting effort. She was breathless from the strain, and let her head fall back on the pillow, with a quick look at her friend.