the Wedding (2000) Read online

What time shall I pick you up, Cinderella? He sounded pleased with the arrangement. He always enjoyed being with her.

  It starts pretty early. Six o'clock?

  I'll be there.

  Thanks, Alan, she said, and meant it. I really appreciate it.

  Don't be so goddamn grateful, for chrissake. You deserve someone better than me you deserve that jerk to take you, if that's what you want. So don't thank me. Just think how lucky I am. That's what you want to think. What you need is some attitude. How the hell did you ever get so humble? You're too smart to be like that. I'd love to teach that guy a thing or two. He doesn't know how lucky he is. San Francisco, my ass ' Alan was muttering and Allegra was laughing, but she felt a thousand times better.

  I've got to go to work. See you Saturday. And do me a favor, try to stay sober, will ya?

  Don't be such a nag. No wonder you can't get a date. They teased each other. He drank a fair amount, but he rarely got drunk, and never misbehaved. The two just liked to play. But she felt human again as she drove to work. Alan had really lifted her spirits.

  All day she felt better about things than she had early that morning. She met with some of the promoters for Bram's tour, worked out some security details for Carmen, met with another client about her children's trusts, and by the end of the afternoon she was surprised to realize that she had forgotten all about Brandon. It still bothered her that he wasn't going to the Golden Globes with her, but at least she didn't feel as devastated about it as she had that morning. And as she thought about it, she realized now, she'd been foolish. He had a right to see his kids. And maybe he was right. Maybe they both had to think of their careers, do what they had to do and then get together for whatever time was left over. It wasn't a very romantic way to live, but maybe for the moment it was all they had room for. Maybe that wasn't so bad after all, and maybe, as he suggested from time to time, she was just too demanding.

  Is that what you think? Dr. Green asked her that afternoon when they met for their weekly appointment.

  I don't know what I think, Allegra admitted. I know what I think I want, but then when I talk to Brandon, I feel as though I'm being unreasonable and I'm asking too much of him. I'm not sure which is right, or if I just scare him.

  That's an interesting possibility, Dr. Green said coolly. Why do you think you scare him?

  Because he's not ready for as much as I want from a relationship, or as much as I want to give it.

  You think you're ready for more? Why? Dr. Green asked her with interest.

  I think I'd really like to live with him, and I think he's scared to death to.

  What makes you say that? Dr. Green was beginning to think Allegra was making headway.

  I think he's scared, because he wants to go home to his own apartment at night. He really doesn't want to spend the night at my place if he can help it.

  Does he want you to go with him? Is it territorial?

  No. Allegra shook her head slowly. He says he needs his own space. Once he told me that when we wake up together in the morning, it makes him feel married. And that wasn't a good experience for him, so he doesn't want it again.

  He has to work that out, or else be alone for the rest of his life. It's his choice to make. But his choices will affect your life with him, Allegra.

  I know that. But I don't want to rush him.

  Two years is not a rush, Dr. Green said, looking disapproving. It's time for him to make some changes. Unless you're happy with the status quo, she said, always giving Allegra options. If this is what you want, then we have no complaints, do we? Is it?

  I don't know; I don't think so, Allegra said, looking nervous. I'd like more. I don't like it when he withdraws to his own world. Or even when he goes to San Francisco without me. And then she admitted something that made her feel stupid. I worry about his ex-wife sometimes, that she'll get him back. She's still very dependent on him. I think that's all part of what makes him shy away from commitment.

  Well, he'd better get his act together one of these days, don't you think so, Allegra?

  I guess so, she said cautiously. But I don't think it would be right to give him ultimatums.

  Why not? Dr. Green asked bravely.

  He wouldn't like it.

  And? She pushed harder, just as she wanted Allegra to push Brandon.

  He might end the relationship if I push him too hard.

  And what would that do? Dr. Green asked her.

  I don't know, Allegra said, looking frightened. She was a strong woman, and yet she never was strong enough with Brandon, just as she hadn't been with the two men before him. She was afraid to be, which was why she still saw Dr. Green after nearly four years now.

  If the relationship ended, it might free you up to meet someone who would be more willing to make a commitment. Would that be so terrible?

  Probably not. Allegra smiled anxiously. But pretty scary.

  Sure. But you'd get over it. Sitting here waiting forever for Brandon to unlock the pearly gates may do you a lot more harm than a little fear over meeting someone more open to loving you, Allegra. It's something to think about, isn't it? she asked, boring into Allegra's eyes with her own, and then, with her usual warm smile, the session was over.

  In some ways, it was like going to a Gypsy fortune-teller. As she left, Allegra tried to run through in her mind everything she'd said, and there were always things she remembered, and others that she tried desperately to recall but had forgotten. But on the whole, the sessions did her good, and they had done a lot of work together over the years about her penchant for finding men who were unable, or unwilling, to love her. It was an old, old pattern in her life, and one she didn't like to think about, or even talk about. She hoped that, after all this time, she was improving.

  She went back to her office after that, tied up some loose ends, and her last meeting of the day was with Malachi O'Donovan, a new client. He was a friend of Bram Morrison's, her vastly successful rock star client, and this one was less so, but also very important. He was from Liverpool originally, but had long since become a citizen by marrying an American woman. His wife's name was Rainbow, and they had two children, named Swallow and Bird. Allegra was used to it. Very little that was done or said in the rock world surprised her.

  O'Donovan had a checkered history of arrests and drugs, a couple of assaults, and some messy lawsuits. He had spent a little time in jail over the years, and a lot of time with lawyers, and he seemed very intrigued with Allegra. He responded to her sexually at first, but when she ignored it, and purposefully stuck to business with him, eventually he settled down, and they had a very interesting conversation. And she thought she could help him with some of his legal problems, most of which were stemming from a world tour he was trying to organize, but he was drowning in red tape and legal issues.

  We'll see what we can do, Mai. I'll be in touch, after I get some of your files from your current attorney.

  Don't bother with my last lawyer, he told her with a shrug as he left. He's an asshole, he said in a rich brogue.

  We need his records anyway. She smiled at him warmly. I'll call you as soon as I know something.

  He liked her very much. Morrison hadn't steered him wrong. She was smart, and got straight to the point with no bullshit. He liked that. You call me anytime you like, luv, he said softly as Rainbow went ahead to the elevator, and Allegra pretended not to hear him, and went back to close up her office.

  In the end, she went home late herself that night. She read some files, and checked over some more of Bram's contracts. And Carmen had just had a very interesting offer to do a film that could be very important for her. It was challenging work, and Allegra loved it.

  She was in good spirits when she got home, and it was only then that she realized she hadn't heard from Brandon all day, and she wondered if he had been irritated with her pressing him about the Golden Globe Awards that morning.

  She called him at the office around nine o'clock, and he sounded pleased to hear from he
r. He told her he'd been working nonstop for the past thirteen hours, and he'd been just about to call her.

  Did you eat? she asked solicitously, sorry that she'd gotten angry at him. And then she remembered what Dr. Green had said to her. She had a right to expect more than he was willing, or perhaps even able, to give her.

  They bring us sandwiches every few hours. Half the time, we forget to eat them.

  You should go home and get some sleep at a decent hour, she reminded him, wishing he would come to her house. But this time she didn't ask him, and he didn't suggest it. And then he felt the pull to go back to work and his colleagues.

  I'll call you tomorrow before I leave for San Francisco.

  I'll be at my parents'. I'm going to go straight from the office.

  Maybe I won't call then, he said simply, and she wanted to scream. Why did he shy away from everything she cared about, especially her family? It was all about his phobia about commitment. I'll call you after I get there. I'll call you at your house.

  Whatever you like, she said calmly, glad that she had had the opportunity to review it with Jane Green. It always made it seem so much simpler and clearer, and less dramatic. It was so simple really. He wasn't able to reach out to her and love her openly and freely. But would he ever? She wanted to marry him, if he could ever get himself divorced and relaxed enough to let himself really love her. She thought he did, in his own way, but it was also obvious that he was severely hampered by his memories of what had happened to him with Joanie.

  Did you work things out for the Golden Globes? he asked her suddenly, and she was surprised he'd brought it up at all, it was such a sore subject.

  Yes, it's fine, she said, dismissing it, not wanting to admit to him that she was still upset about it. I'm going with Alan.

  Carr? He sounded shocked. He had expected her to go alone, with her parents.

  I thought you'd just go with your brother and your parents, or something like that.

  She smiled at his na+>>vet+!. The Golden Globe Awards was one of the most sophisticated events of the year, it was not the kind of place she would have wanted to go with her twenty-year-old brother. I'm a little old for that, you know. Alan's fine about it though. He'll make me laugh all night and say rude things about all the big stars, but they all know him and love him.

  I didn't expect you to fill my shoes quite so handsomely, he said, sounding both peeved and jealous, and she laughed. Maybe it was good for him.

  I'd rather be with you than Alan any day, she said honestly.

  Just remember that, he smiled. That's one hell of a compliment, Allie. I've never thought of myself in the same league with Alan Carr.

  Well, don't let it go to your head, she teased, and they talked for a few minutes and then hung up, but he never suggested spending the night with her, and she felt depressed again as she lay in bed and thought about it. She was twenty-nine years old, with a boyfriend who preferred sleeping alone in his own bed to being with her, at least some of the time, if not most, and who had ditched her for an event that was important to her, in order to be with his ex-wife and two daughters. No matter how you turned it around, or dressed it up, it still hurt her feelings. And it left her feeling lonely. He was oddly withdrawn in his own way, and no matter what her needs, he always did what he wanted.

  You deserve better than that. She heard Dr. Green's voice ringing in her ears that night as she fell asleep, and she couldn't remember if she'd actually said those words or if that was the gist of what she'd intended. But as she drifted off to sleep, Allegra could see the therapist's intense brown eyes staring at her, and reinforcing the message. I deserve better than that, she whispered to herself ' better than that ' but what did that mean? And then, suddenly, all she could see was Alan ' laughing ' but was he laughing at her? Or at Brandon?

  Chapter 3

  The Steinberg home in Bel Air was one of the prettiest in the area, and it was large and comfortable, but it was by no means palatial. Blaire had decorated it herself years before when they moved in just after Scott was born, and she was good about recovering things and redoing rooms to keep them fresh and neat and current. The children teased her about their home being a constant work in progress.

  But she liked keeping it looking new, and she used a lot of bright, cheerful colors. The feeling throughout was one of casual elegance and warmth. It was a place people loved to visit. The view from the patio and the living room was spectacular. And for months now, she'd been talking about replacing the kitchen walls with glass. But she'd been so busy with the show that she hadn't had time to do it.

  Allegra went to the house straight from work, and as always when she arrived, she felt surrounded by the warmth and generosity of her family and the house she'd grown up in. Her room was still as it had been when she left for college eleven years before. The wallpaper and the curtains and bedspread had been redone once while she was in law school. It was a soft peach watered silk, and once in a while she still spent a night there, or a weekend. Coming home and being with them was always fun and relaxing. Her room was on the same floor as her parents' suite, which consisted of their bedroom, two handsome dressing rooms, and two offices they each used when they had to work at home, which was often. There were two guest rooms on that floor too. And upstairs, Sam and Scott had their own suite of rooms, and a large sitting room between them. They shared a huge TV, a small movie screen, a pool table, and a fantastic sound system their father had given them for Christmas. It was every teenager's dream just being there, and there were always at least half a dozen of Sam's friends hanging around, talking about school, and plans for college, and their boyfriends.

  Sam was in the kitchen when Allegra came in, and it was hard not to notice how beautiful she had become in the past year. Suddenly, at seventeen and a half, she had grown into looks that had been striking before, but were now even more so. She had star quality, her father's associates said, and her mother always growled when they said it. Sam's first priority had always been school. Blaire didn't mind her having a small modeling career, but she wasn't very enthused at the idea of her youngest child becoming an actress. It was a rough career, and seeing what she did all around her every day, she was beginning to think she'd prefer it if Samantha stayed out of the business. But there wasn't much they could say to her. She had been exposed to it all her life, and for the moment, an acting career seemed to be all that Sam wanted. She had applied to UCLA, Northwestern, Yale, and NYU for what they had to offer in drama, and given her top grades, she had a good shot at all of them. But unlike Allegra a decade before, she didn't want to go East. She wanted to stay in L.A, and maybe even live at home. She wanted to go to UCLA, and she had already been accepted, through early admission.

  She was eating an apple, when Allegra walked in on Friday night after the office, and her long blond hair hung down her back like a sheet of pale yellow-gold. Her eyes were huge and green like her sister's.

  Hi, kiddo. How's life? Allegra looked happy to see her as she walked over, gave her a kiss, and put an arm around her shoulders.

  Not bad. I did some modeling this week. For an English photographer. He was cool. I like the foreign ones, they're nice to me. I modeled for a French one in November. He was on his way to Tokyo. This job was a layout for the L.A. Times. And I saw the rough cut of Dad's new movie. Like all teenagers, she spoke in non sequiturs, but Allegra understood her.

  How was Dad's movie? Allegra asked, helping herself to some carrot sticks, and giving Ellie a warm hug of greeting. She had been their cook for twenty years, and she shooed them both out of the kitchen.

  It was okay. It was hard to tell. They still had some of the scenes put in the wrong places. It looked pretty cool though. And so did Sam. Allegra smiled to herself as the younger girl bounded upstairs. She was all legs and arms and hair; she was like a wild, beautiful young colt bounding over everything. She seemed so young, and yet so grown-up suddenly. It was hard to believe how fast it had gone, but she was almost a woman. When Allegra ha
d left home for Yale eleven years before, Sam had only been six years old, and in some ways that was how they all still thought of her, as the baby.

  Is that you? her mother called down the stairs, peeking over the banister, looking barely older than her daughters. The soft red hair was swept up on her head, and framed her face softly, with two pens stuck in it, and a pencil. She was wearing jeans and a black turtleneck, and high-top black Converse sneakers that she had bought for Sam, but Sam wouldn't wear them. Blaire looked like a kid, until you looked closer and saw how lovely she was, and how gently touched by age, and she had the same lanky figure as her daughters. How are you, darling? she asked, kissing Allegra and then hurrying off to answer the phone. It was Simon. He was late. He had a problem at the office, but he'd be home in time for dinner.

  It was their closeness to each other which had saved them from the stresses of Hollywood over the years, that and the fact that she and Simon had a wonderful marriage. She seldom admitted it, but Blaire's life had been a shambles when she met him. She was in dark despair, and it seemed as though after they were married, everything changed for the better. Her career had taken off from there, their babies had come quickly and easily and been warmly welcomed. They loved their home, and their kids, their careers, and each other. There was absolutely nothing more that either of them would have added, except maybe more children. She'd been thirty-seven when Sam was born, and at the time that had almost seemed too old to her, so she stopped. And now she regretted not having had at least one more, but the three children they had gave them enormous joy, in spite of the occasional squabble with Samantha. Blaire knew she was a little spoiled, but she was a good girl. She did well at school, never really did anything wrong, and if she argued with her mother from time to time, it seemed appropriate to her age and her culture.

  When Blaire hung up the phone, she went upstairs and saw Allegra staring out the window of her bedroom, and wandered in to see her.

  You can always come home whenever you want, you know, she said softly, watching her oldest child looking surprisingly wistful. She wanted to ask her if something was wrong, but she didn't quite dare. Blaire was always worried that Allegra didn't get enough emotional support from Brandon. He was so independent about everything, and he seemed so unaware of Allegra's needs and feelings. Blaire had done her best to like him in the past two years, but she just didn't.