the Ring (1980) Read online

  She zipped herself into the dress, which was a long, narrow sheath of black wool crepe with long arms and high neck, stopping just short of the black suede shoes. It was striking and somber, and only when she turned around was its full beauty and her own revealed. A large oval opening, like a giant teardrop, revealed her back from neck to waist; her ivory skin glimmered in the opening, like moonlight reflected on a black ocean on a summer night.

  Putting a short silk cape over her shoulders to protect the dress, she carefully combed her hair and swept it off her neck, piercing the neat twist she created with long black coral pins. Satisfied with the effect she had created, she wiped the mascara from beneath each eye and redid her face, took one last look in the mirror, and fastened a large pear-shaped diamond to each ear. On her hands were the large emerald she often wore in the evening and the diamond signet ring she always wore on her right hand. The ring had graced the hands of women in her family for four generations. It bore the initials of her great-grandmother in diamonds and glimmered as it caught the light.

  With a last glance over her shoulder she knew that she looked as always, striking, lovely, tranquil. No one would have dreamed that underneath there was torment. No one would have guessed that she had spent the afternoon in the aims of Dolff.

  In the long, quiet gray hallway, she paused for only an instant at the foot of the stairs leading up to the third floor. A clock in the corner somberly chimed the hour. She was actually on time. It was seven o'clock, and the guests were expected at seven thirty. She had half an hour to spend with Ariana and Gerhard before they went to bed. Thirty minutes of motherhood. She wondered, as she climbed the stairs to see them, how much that would add up to in their lifetimes. How many thirty minutes multiplied by how many days? But had she seen her own mother more often? She knew, as she reached the last step on the stairway, that she had not. And that what she had that was most vivid and tangible was the signet ring, which had always been on her mother's hand.

  At the door to their large playroom she paused for a moment and knocked. There was no answer, but she could hear squeals and laughter beyond. They would have eaten hours before, and by now they would have had their baths. Fr+nulein Hedwig would have made them put their toys away, and the nursery maid would have assisted them in this monumental task. But at least they were back now for most of the summer they had been in the country, and Kassandra hadn't seen them at all. This year, for the first time, Kassandra had not wanted to leave Berlin, because of Dolff. A convenient charity had provided her with the desperately sought excuse.

  She knocked again, and this time they heard her, Fr+nulein Hedwig bid her come in. As she entered, there was sudden silence, the children startled from their playing with a look of awe. Of all of it, it was that that Kassandra most hated. The look they gave her, always as though they had never seen her there before.

  Hello, everybody. Kassandra smiled and held out her arms. For an instant no one moved, and then, at Fr+nulein Hedwig's prodding, Gerhard came first. He only needed a moment's urging, and then would fly unharnessed to her arms. But Fr+nulein Hedwig's voice was quick to stop him.

  Gerhard, don't touch! Your mother is dressed for the party.

  That's all right. Her open arms never wavered, but the child backed off to just beyond her grasp.

  Hello, Mummy. His eyes were wide and blue like hers, but the face was Walmar's. He had lovely perfect features, a happy smile, blond hair, and still the chubby body of a baby, despite his now almost five years. I hurt my arm today. He showed her, still not having arrived in hers. She reached out to him gently.

  Let me see it. And then, Oh, that looks awful. Did it hurt a lot? It was a small scrape and a smaller bruise, but to him it was important, as he looked from the injured arm to the woman in the black dress.

  Yes. He nodded. But I didn't cry.

  That was very brave of you.

  I know. He looked pleased with himself and then bounded away from her to collect a toy he had forgotten in another room, which left Kassandra alone with Ariana, who was still smiling shyly at her from Fr+nulein Hedwig's side.

  Don't I get a kiss today, Ariana? The child nodded and then approached, hesitant, elflike, with delicate looks that promised to outshine even her mother's. How are you?

  Fine, thank you, Mummy.

  No bruises, no cuts, nothing for me to kiss? She shook her head and they exchanged a smile. Gerhard made them both laugh sometimes. He was so much a little boy. But Ariana had always been different. Pensive, quiet, much shier than her brother. Kassandra often wondered if it would have been different if there had never been a nurse. What did you do today?

  I read, and I drew a picture.

  May I see it?

  It isn't finished yet. It never was.

  That doesn't matter. I'd like to see it anyway. But Ariana blushed furiously and shook her head. Kassandra felt more than ever an intruder and wished, as she always did, that Hedwig and the nursery maid would disappear, into another room at least, so that they could be alone. It was only on rare occasions that she was alone with the children. Hedwig stayed near to keep them from getting out of hand.

  Look what I have! Gerhard had returned to them, bouncing along in his pajamas, with a large stuffed dog.

  Where did you get that?

  From Baroness von Vorlach. She brought it to me this afternoon.

  She did? Kassandra looked blank.

  She said you were going to have tea with her, but you forgot. Kassandra closed her eyes and shook her head.

  How awful, I did. I'll have to call her. But that's a very handsome dog. Does he have a name yet?

  Bruno. And Ariana got a big white cat.

  Did you? Ariana had steadfastly kept the news to herself. When would they ever share things? When the girl was grown, perhaps they would be friends. But now it was too late, and yet too soon.

  Downstairs the clock chimed again, and Kassandra looked at them, feeling anguish clutch her. And Gerhard looked at her, crestfallen, tiny, chubby. Do you have to go?

  Kassandra nodded' I'm sorry. Papa is having a dinner.

  Aren't you having one, too? Gerhard looked at her curiously and she smiled.

  Yes, me, too. But it's for people from his bank, and some other banks.

  It sounds very boring.

  Gerhard! Hedwig was quick to reprimand him, but Kassandra laughed.

  She lowered her voice conspiratorially as she spoke to this delicious child. It will be ' but don't tell anyone ' that's our secret.

  You look very pretty anyway. He looked her over with approval, and she kissed the chubby little hand.

  Thank you. She pulled him into her arms then and kissed him softly on the top of his blond head. Good night, little one. Are you taking your new dog to bed?

  He shook his head firmly. Hedwig says I can't do that Kassandra stood and smiled pleasantly at the heavyset older woman.

  I think he can.

  Very well, madam.

  Gerhard beamed up at his mother and they exchanged another conspiratorial smile, and then her gaze turned to Ariana. Will you take your new cat to bed with you, too?

  I think so. She glanced first at Hedwig and then her mother, as Kassandra felt something deep inside her die again.

  You'll have to show him to me tomorrow.

  Yes, ma'am. The words cut to the quick, but her pain didn't show as Kassandra gently kissed her daughter, waved at both children, and softly closed the door.

  As quickly as the narrow black dress would allow, Kassandra made her way downstairs, arriving at the foot of the stairs in time to see Walmar greeting their first guests.

  Ah, there you are, darling. He turned to smile at her, appreciative, as always, of how she looked. He made the introductions as heels clicked and hands were kissed. It was a couple Kassandra had met often at functions for the bank, but who had not yet visited their home. She greeted them warmly and took Walmar's arm as they entered the main salon.

  It was an evening of civilized exchanges,
lavish food, and the very best French wines. The guests spoke mostly of banking, travel. Children and talk of politics were strangely absent from the conversation, although it was 1934, although President von Hindenburg's death that year had removed the final threat to Hitler's power. It was a subject not really worth discussing. Since Hitler had become Chancellor the year before, the bankers of the nation had maintained their position. They were important to the Reich, they had their work to do, and Hitler had his. However little some of them might have thought of him, he was not going to stir up problems in their lair. Live and let live. And there were those, of course, who were pleased with Hitler's Reich.

  Walmar was not among them, but it was a view he shared with few. He had been astonished at the gathering power of tie Nazis, and he had warned his friends several times privately that it would lead to war. But there was no reason to discuss it on that evening. The cr+!pes flamb+!es, served with champagne, seemed of far more interest than the Third Reich.

  The last guest did not leave until one thirty, when Walmar turned tiredly to Kassandra with a yawn. I think it was a very successful dinner, darling. I liked the duckling better than the fish.

  Did you? She made a mental note to tell the cook the next morning. They served gargantuan dinners, with an appetizer, soup, fish course, meat course, salad, cheese, dessert, and at last fruit. It was expected, so it was what they did.

  Did you have a pleasant evening? He looked down at her gently as they walked slowly upstairs.

  Of course I did, Walmar. She was touched that he would ask. Didn't you?

  Useful. That Belgian deal we've been discussing will probably go through. It was important that Hoffmann come tonight. I'm glad he did.

  Good. Then so am I. As she followed him sleepily, she wondered if that was her purpose, then, to encourage him with his Belgian deal, and Dolff with his new book. Was that it, then? She was to help both of them achieve whatever it was that they were going to do? But if them, why not her children? And then it came to her, and why not herself? I thought his wife was very pretty.

  Walmar shrugged, and then as they stood on the landing, he smiled at her, but there was a ghost of sorrow in his eyes. I didn't. I'm afraid you've spoiled me for everyone else.

  She smiled back into his eyes. Thank you.

  There was a moment of awkwardness as they both stood there on the stairs. It was the moment of parting. It seemed easier on the evenings when they had nothing to do. He would retreat his study, she would go upstairs alone to read a book. But climbing the stairs together left them with a fork in the road that never grew less poignant and left them both feeling so much alone. Before, they had always known they might meet in her bedroom later, but now it was no secret between them that they would not. And there was an aura of adieu each time they reached that landing. It always seemed so much more than just good night.

  You're looking better lately, darling. I don't mean in terms of your looks. He smiled gently. I mean your health.

  She returned his smile. I'm feeling better, I suppose. But there was something gone from her eyes as she said it, and she quickly dropped her eyes away from his. There was an instant of silence as the clock softly chimed the quarter hour.

  It's late, you'd best get to bed. He kissed the top of her head and walked resolutely to the door of his room. She saw only his back as she whispered softly, Good night, and then walked quickly down the hall to her own.

  Chapter 3

  The wind whisked briskly around their legs as Dolff and Kassandra walked along the lake at the Charlottenburger Schloss. This afternoon they were alone in the park. The children were back in school, and the lovers and old people who came out to feed the birds were too sensible to go out on such a cold day. But Dolff and Kassandra were happy with their solitude as they walked along.

  Warm enough? He looked down at her smilingly and she laughed.

  In this? I'd be embarrassed to admit it if I wasn't.

  You should be. He glanced admiringly at the new sable coat, which danced only a few inches above the ground. She wore a matching hat tilted to one side of her head, and the sleek golden hair was tied in a knot at the nape of her neck. Her cheeks were pink from the cold, and her eyes looked more startlingly violet than ever. He had an arm around her shoulders and he looked down at her with pride. It was November and she had been his now for more than eight months.

  How do you feel now that you've finished the book?

  Like I'm out of a job.

  Do you miss the characters very much?

  I miss them terribly at first. And then he kissed the top of her head. But less so when I'm with you. Are you ready to go back now? She nodded and they turned back toward his house, hurrying the few blocks until they reached his door. He pushed it open for Kassandra as they stepped into the front hall. She felt more and more at home here. The week before they had even ventured into some antique stores together and bought two new chairs and another small desk.

  Tea? She smiled up at him warmly and he nodded comfortably in answer, following her into the kitchen. She put on the kettle and pulled out one of the well-worn kitchen chairs.

  Do you have any idea how lovely it is to have you here, madam?

  Do you have any idea how lovely it is to be here? She was coming to terms with the guilt now. This was simply her way of life, and she had been greatly comforted to learn inadvertently several months before that one of her father's sisters had had the same lover for thirty-two years. Perhaps that was her destiny, too. To grow old with both Dolff and Walmar, useful to them both, the fabric of her life irrevocably meshed with that of Dolff's and bordered by Walmar's protecting arms. Was it so terrible after all? Was anyone really suffering? She seldom felt the pangs anymore. Only when she was with the children did she still feel any kind of pain, but she had felt that long before Dolff came along.

  You're looking serious again. What were you just thinking?

  Oh, about us ' She grew pensive again as she poured his tea. How different it was here in the comfortable kitchen, unlike the elaborate ceremony that took place in the house in Grunewald when she invited friends in to tea, with Berthold the butler staring gloomily down at them.

  Does thinking about us make you look so serious?

  She turned to face him as she handed him his cup. Sometimes, I take this very seriously, you know.

  He looked at her gravely. I know. So do I. And then suddenly he wanted to say something to her that he had never said before. If things were ' different ' I want you to know that ' I would want you for always.

  Her eyes bore into his. And now?

  His voice was a caress in the warm room. I still want you for always. And then with a small sigh, But I can't do anything about it.

  I don't expect you to. She sat down across from him with a gentle smile. I'm happy like this. And then she told him something she had never said before. This is the most important part of my life, Dolff. It meant everything to him to have her be part of his life. So much had altered in his life over the past year. The rest of the world was changing around them, but he was far more aware of it than she. She touched his hand softly, pulling him back from his own thoughts. Now tell me about the book. What does your publisher say?

  But as she said the words, an odd expression came into his eyes. Nothing much.

  He doesn't like it? She looked shocked. The book was marvelous. She had read it herself, tucked into his bed, on the cold winter afternoons. What did he say?

  Nothing. She saw his eyes go hard. They're not entirely sure they can publish it. So that was the shadow she had seen in his eyes when she'd arrived right after lunch. Why hadn't he told her sooner? But it was like him to hide his problems from her at first. He always wanted to hear about her.

  Are they crazy? What about the success of your last book?

  That has nothing to do with it. He turned away from her and stood up to put his cup in the sink.

  Dolff, I don't understand.

  Neither do I, but I think we wi
ll. Our beloved leader will show us soon enough.

  What are you talking about? She stared at his back and then at the anger she saw in his eyes when he turned around.

  Kassandra, do you have any idea what's happening to our country?

  You mean Hitler? He nodded. It'll pass. People will get bored with him and hell fall out of favor.

  Oh, really? Is that what you think? And then bitterly, Is that what your husband thinks? She was startled at the mention of Walmar.

  I don't know. He doesn't talk about it a great deal. At least not with me. Nobody reasonable likes Hitler, obviously, but I don't think he's as dangerous as some people think.

  Then you're a fool, Kassandra. He had never talked to her in that tone of voice before. But suddenly she saw anger and bitterness that he had never unveiled to her before. Do you know why my publisher is sitting on the fence? Not because my last book didn't sell, not because he doesn't like the new manuscript. He was stupid enough to let me know how much he liked it before he cooled off. But because of the Party ' He looked at her with an anguish that tore at her heart. Because I'm Jewish, Kassandra ' because I'm a Jew, His voice was a barely audible whisper at the last. A Jew isn't supposed to be successful, isn't supposed to win national awards. There will be no room at all for Jews in the New Germany, if Hitler has his way.

  But that's crazy. Her face said that she didn't believe him. It was something that they had never discussed. He had told her about his parents, his past, his childhood, the bakery, but he had never talked to her at any length about being Jewish, about what it did and did not mean to him. She had simply assumed that he was and forgotten about it after that. And on the rare occasions when she did think about it, it pleased her, it seemed different and exotic in a very pleasant way. But it was something that simply never entered their discussions, and seldom her mind. But the fact of that difference never left him. And the truth of what it could mean to him was coming slowly clear.