Palomino (1981) Read online

  So they have this? Sam looked around her in fresh amazement. A little cottage in the woods, and he tiptoes in and out of her house for the next twenty-five years.

  Maybe it kept the romance fresh for them. Tate Jordan was smiling as he sat down next to Samantha on the bed. You know, there's something very special about what you see here. He looked around himself with warmth and respect that were almost akin to awe. You know what you see, Samantha? He didn't wait for the answer but went on. You see two people who love each other, whose lives blend perfectly, her paintings and his trophies, their old photographs and records and books, his comfortable old leather chair and her little rocking chair and her footstool by the fire. Just look at it, Sam. Together they glanced out of the bedroom doorway. Just look. You know what you see out there? You see love. That's what love is, those copper pots, and that old needlepoint cushion, and that funny old pig's head. That's two people you see out there, two people who've loved each other for a long time, and still do.

  You think they still come here? Sam was almost whispering and Tate laughed.

  I doubt it. Or if they do, not much anyway. I probably come here more than they do. Bill's arthritis has been bothering him a lot the last few years. I suspect he lowered his voice that they stay pretty close to the big house. As he said it Samantha remembered the nightly opening and closing of doors. Yet even after all these years they met in hidden ways at midnight hours.

  I still don't understand why they keep it a secret.

  Tate looked at her for a long time and then shrugged. Sometimes that's just the way it is. And then he smiled at her. This isn't New York, Samantha. A lot of old-fashioned values still apply. It didn't make sense to her anyway. In that case they should have gotten married. Good Lord, it had gone on for twenty years after all.

  How did you find this place, Tate? She stood up again and wandered back out to the living room and a few minutes later sat down in Caroline's comfortable old rocking chair.

  I just happened on it one day. They must have spent a lot of time here years back. It's got the same kind of feeling as a real home.

  It is a real home. Sam stared into the empty fireplace dreamily as she said it, thinking back to the elegant apartment she had left behind her in New York. It had none of the qualities she felt here, not anymore, none of the love, none of the warmth, none of the tender comfort, the solace that she felt just sitting in the old rocking chair.

  Feel like you could stay forever, don't you? He smiled at her and let his huge frame down into the leather chair. Want me to light a fire?

  She quickly shook her head. I'd worry too much about it after we left.

  I wouldn't leave it burning, silly.

  I know that. They exchanged another smile. But I'd worry anyway. You know, maybe a stray spark or something ' this is too special to mess with. I wouldn't want to do anything to jeopardize what they have here. And then, looking at him more seriously, I don't even feel like we should be here.

  Why not? The sharp chin jutted out just a little.

  It's not ours. It's theirs, and it's private and secret. They wouldn't want us to be here, or to know about them.'

  But we knew about them anyway, didn't we? He asked the question gently and she nodded slowly.

  I always suspected. Barb Aunt Caro's niece and I we used to talk about it for hours, trying to guess, assuming and then not assuming. We were never really sure.

  And once you grew up?

  She smiled in answer. Then I sensed it. But still I always wondered.

  He nodded slowly. So did I. I always thought I knew for certain. But I didn't really. Until I came here. This tells its own story. He looked around again. And what a nice story it tells.

  Yeah. Sam nodded agreement and began to rock slowly in the old chair. It would be nice to love someone like that, wouldn't it? Enough to build something together, and to keep it together for twenty years.

  How long did your marriage last, Sam? It was the first personal question he had asked her, and she looked at him squarely and answered him quickly, seemingly without emotion. But she couldn't help wondering how he knew she'd ever been married.

  Seven years. Yours?

  Five. My boy was just a little guy when his mom took off.

  I'll bet you were glad when you got him back. And then suddenly she blushed furiously, remembering the story and what an insensitive thing she had inadvertently said. I'm sorry, I didn't mean

  Hush. He waved a hand gently. I know what you meant. And hell, I was glad. But I was damn sorry his mom died.

  Did you love her even after she left you? It was an outrageous question but suddenly it didn't matter. It was as though here, in this shrine of Bill and Caro's, they could say anything and ask anything they wanted, as long as it mattered, as long as it wasn't designed to hurt.

  Tate Jordan nodded his head slowly. Yes, I loved her. In some ways I still do, and she's been dead near fifteen years. It's a funny thing. You don't always remember the way things got in the end. What about you, Sam, you too? You remember your husband when you first loved him, or remember what a son of a bitch he was at the end?

  Sam laughed softly at his honesty and nodded her head as she rocked. God, isn't that the truth. Why? I keep asking myself. Why do I remember him when we went to college, when we got engaged, on out honeymoon, on our first Christmas? How come my first thought of him isn't with his socks and my guts hanging out of his suitcase when he walked out the door? They both smiled at the image she'd created, and Tate shook his head and then turned to her again, his eyes filled with questions.

  Was that how it was, then? He walked out on you, Sam?

  Yes, she answered bluntly.

  For someone else? She nodded, but she didn't look pained this time. She was just admitting to a simple truth. That's how it was with my old lady too. Sam noticed as she listened that now Tate sounded more like the other cowboys. Maybe here he could relax. He no longer had to impress her, and there was no one else around. Tears your heart out, doesn't it? I was twenty-five years old, and I thought I'd die.

  So did I. Sam looked at him intently. So did I. In fact, she sighed softly, I guess everyone in my office did too. That's why I'm here. To get over it. To get away.

  How long has it been?

  Since last August.

  That's long enough. He looked matter-of-fact and she bridled.

  Is it? For what? To forget him? To not give a damn anymore? Well, you're wrong on that one, buddy, try again.

  Do you think about him all the time?

  No. She answered him honestly. But too much.

  You divorced yet?

  She nodded. Yes, and he's already remarried, and they're having a baby in March. Might as well tell him everything at one sitting. And in an odd way it felt good to get it all out of the way, all the painful truths, the true confessions. It was wonderful to get it over with. But she found now that he was watching her intently.

  I'll bet that hurts a lot.

  What? For a moment she didn't follow what he was saying.

  About the baby. Did you want children?

  She hesitated for only an instant, and then nodded as she suddenly left the rocking chair. As a matter of fact, yes, Mr. Jordan. But I'm sterile. So my husband got what he wanted somewhere else.' As she stood at the window, looking out at the lake, she didn't hear him coming, and then suddenly he was standing behind her, with his arms around her waist.

  It doesn't matter, Sam ' and you're not sterile. Sterile is someone who can't love, who can't give anything, who is locked up and closed up and sold out. That's all that matters and that's not you, Sam. That's just not you. He turned her around slowly to face him and there were tears in her eyes. She didn't want him to see them, but she couldn't resist the magnetic pull of his hands as he had turned her slowly by the waist. He gently kissed both her eyes, and then pressed his mouth down on hers for so hard and so long that at last she had to fight for breath.

  Tate ' don't' no ' She was fighting, but weakly,
and he only pulled her closer to him again. She could smell the scent of saddle soap and tobacco on him and feel the rough wool of his shirt beneath her cheek as she turned away and rested her face against his chest.

  Why not? He put a finger under her chin and made her look up at him again. Sam? She said nothing, and he kissed her again. His voice was gentle in her ear when he spoke to her, and she could feel her heart pounding against her chest. Sam, I want you, more than I've ever wanted any woman before.

  She spoke softly, but with feeling, as her eyes gazed into his. That isn't enough.

  He nodded slowly. I understand. And then after a long moment, But I don't offer anything more than that anymore.

  Now it was her turn. She smiled gently and asked the same question. Why not?

  Because He hesitated and then chuckled softly in the pretty little cabin. Because I really am sterile. I don't have all of that left to give.

  How do you know? Have you tried lately?

  Not in eighteen years. His answer was quick and honest.

  And you think it's too late to love anyone again? He didn't answer and Sam looked around, her eyes pausing at the trophies and then coming back to him. Don't you think he loves her, Tate? He nodded. So do I. He can't be any braver than you are, and he's one hell of a man. And then as she looked at Tate, So are you.

  Does that mean ' He spoke softly, his lips playing with hers and her heart wreaking havoc between her ribs, wondering what she was doing kissing this stranger, this cowboy, and trying to justify to him why he should fall in love. She wanted to ask herself what in hell she thought she was doing, but there wasn't time. Does that mean, he went on, that if I told you I loved you, that we'd be making love right now? He looked amused, and with a small smile she shook her head. I didn't think it did. So what are you trying to convince me of, and why?

  I'm trying to convince you that it's not too late to fall in love again. Look at them, when they started out, they were older than we are now. They had to be.

  Yeah ' But he didn't sound convinced. And then he turned his eyes back to her with a pensive expression. What difference does it make to you if I ever fall in love again?

  I'd like to know that it's possible.

  Why? Are you doing research for science?

  No, she whispered. For myself.

  So that's it. He ran a hand gently down her pale blond mane, fighting with the pins that held it firmly in the knot at the nape of her neck, and then suddenly he unleashed it and it all came tumbling down her back. My God, your hair is lovely, Sam ' palomino.' He said it ever so softly. Little palomino ' how beautiful you are.' The sun glinted in the window and danced among the gold threads in her hair.

  We should go back now. She said it gently but firmly.

  Should we?

  We should.

  Why? His lips were kissing her chin and her jawbone and her neck. She wasn't objecting, but she was also not going to let him go any farther than that. Why should we go back now, Sam? Oh, God, you're so lovely.' She could feel a shiver run through him, and she pulled away slowly with a small shake of her head.

  No, Tate.

  Why not? For a moment there was fire in his eyes, and she was almost afraid.

  Because it's not right.

  For chrissake, I'm a man, you're a woman ' we're not children here. What do you want? He raised his voice in lustful irritation. The perfect romance, a wedding ring on your finger before you go to bed?

  What do you want, cowboy? Just a quick roll in the hay? The force of her words hit him like a bullet, and he looked stunned as slowly he shook his head.

  I'm sorry. He spoke coldly and then moved to the sink to wash their cups. But when he had finished, she was still standing there, watching him, and she spoke up.

  I'm not sorry. I like you. In fact she reached out and put a hand on his arm I like you a hell of a lot. But I don't want to get hurt next time.

  You can't have the kind of guarantees you want, Sam. Not from anyone. And not from me. The only guarantees you'll ever get are lies. There was some truth in that and she knew it, but it wasn't just the promises she wanted but something real.

  You know what I want? She looked around at the cabin as she asked the question. I want this. I want this kind of meshing and blending and loving after more than twenty years.

  You think they were so sure of that in the beginning? You think they knew then what they do now? Hell no. She owned the ranch and he was a ranch hand. That was all they knew.

  You think so? Samantha's eyes exploded sparks at him. You know what else I'll bet they knew then?

  What?

  I'll bet they knew they were in love. And until I find that, until a man loves me and I love him, then I'm not coming out to play again.

  He opened the door and locked it behind them. Come on. But she had seen as she walked past him that he wasn't angry. He had understood all that she had told him, and she found herself wondering what he would do now, and what she would do herself. For a moment, just a moment, she had wanted to abandon all restraint and caution, but she had decided not to. Not because she didn't want him, but because she wanted him so much. Tate Jordan was one hell of a man.

  Can we come back here? She eyed him squarely as he cupped his hands and offered her a leg up to the huge Thoroughbred horse.

  Do you really want to?

  She nodded slowly, and he smiled at her and said nothing. She took the leg up and flew into her saddle. A moment later she had the reins in her hands, her heels in the horse's flanks, and she was flying beside Tate Jordan into the wind.

  Have a nice ride, dear? Caroline looked at her benevolently as Samantha strode into the living room, her hair loose, her face flushed, her eyes bright. She looked like a vision of youth and health and beauty, and Caroline couldn't help envying her a little as she watched the young limbs coil into a comfortable chair.

  Very, thanks, Aunt Caro. She was dying to tell her that she had seen their cabin, but she knew she couldn't. But still the excitement lingered. From that and the kiss she and Tate had shared in Black Beauty's stall. It had been a kiss that seared her very edges and reached into the nether regions of her soul. He was a man different from any other, more powerful and more independent and more alluring than any she had ever known or ever would.

  See anyone this morning? It was a casual question, born of thirty years of almost communal living on a large ranch. Not a single hour went by that one didn't hang out with someone, talk about something, and hear something about someone else.

  Sam had been about to say No one, and then decided to tell Caroline the truth. I saw Tate Jordan.

  Oh. It was a very small word without any great emphasis or interest. How is Santa Claus after last night? The kids sure enjoy him every year.

  Sam was tempted to say So do I, but didn't dare say it. They should. He's a very nice man.

  You mean you've relented? You don't hate him anymore?

  I never did. She tried to look casual as she poured herself a cup of coffee. We just didn't see eye to eye over my ability to ride your horse.

  And he's changed his mind? Samantha nodded with a grin of satisfaction. No wonder you like him. How heartily we approve of those who approve of us. He's a good man though, no matter what he may have said about your riding Black Beauty. He knows this ranch every bit as well as Bill and I. Every bit' even the cabin, Samantha found herself thinking and had to take a sip of coffee so as not to smile.

  What are you doing today, Aunt Caro?

  The books, as usual.

  On Christmas? Samantha looked shocked.

  Caroline nodded dutifully. On Christmas.

  Why don't we have Christmas dinner instead?

  As I recall, Caroline said, looking at her with amusement, we already did that last night.

  That was different. That was everyone. Why don't you and I cook dinner today for Bill King and Tate? Caroline eyed her very hard for a moment and then shook her head.

  I don't really think that would work.
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  Why not?

  Caroline sighed softly. Because they're ranch hands, Samantha, and we're not. There really is a very definite hierarchy on a ranch.

  Don't you ever have dinner with Bill? Sam looked shocked.

  Very rarely. Only on state occasions, when someone gets married or dies. Only on nights like last night, at Christmas, do all the fences come down. The rest of the time, you are who you are, and they they're careful to keep the fences up, Sam.

  But why?

  Out of respect. That's just the way it is. She seemed to accept it, but it continued to annoy Sam.

  But it's all so stupid. What difference does the hierarchy make, for heaven's sake! Who cares?

  They do. Caroline's voice was like a splash of cold water. They care very much, about form, about position, about who you are and the respect they feel they owe you. As a ranch owner, you're put on a pedestal by them, and they never let you come down. It's tiring sometimes, but that's the way it is. You have to accept it. If we invited Bill and Tate here today, they would be genuinely shocked. But Sam found it hard to believe as she remembered Tate's earlier entreaties to sleep with him at the cabin. It hadn't occurred to her yet that that was different; it was private. It wasn't like having dinner together at the big house.

  Well, it still doesn't make any sense to me.

  Caroline smiled warmly at her. It never did to me either, but I accept it now, Sam. It's simpler that way. That's just the way they are. Was that the reason for the cabin, then? Because he was a ranch hand and she was something very different, the ranch owner? Could all the secrecy have been for something as simple as that? She was suddenly dying to ask her but knew that she could not. There will be cold turkey dinners all day at the main hall, Samantha. You could go over there and chat with whoever's around. But I really have to work with Bill for a few hours in my office. I feel terrible about neglecting you on Christmas, Sam, but we have to get this done. Caroline and Bill's single-minded purpose together, over all the years, had always been the ranch. But now Sam found herself wondering if they ever missed the cabin. They would have to. It was such a perfect place to hide out. She wondered, too, how long it had been since they had last been there, how often they had gone in the beginning, if they'd had it then ' and she wondered, too, how soon she would go there again with Tate.