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  Finally! she said with a huge smile. It had taken her forty years to win it. And Amanda couldn't help remembering how she had felt nearly thirty years before on a night like this. It had been one of the most exciting things that had ever happened to her. And now, it seemed so long ago, and still a warm memory, but so much less important.

  What was it like for you? he asked with a smile, as they left the auditorium through throngs that barely seemed to move. It was worse than riding the New York subway.

  It was incredible, she said, smiling at him. I thought I was going to explode with excitement. I never even thought I'd get the nomination, let alone win it. I was twenty-two ' it was terrific. It was nice to be able to admit how much it had meant to her. Her husband had never liked it when she talked about it.

  They barely moved ten feet in the next ten minutes, and people kept coming up to them, to talk and comment on the awards and just to say hello, as they all waited to leave the theater. The press was complicating everything, stopping stars as they left, and interviewing them right in the midst of the crowd, creating bottlenecks that couldn't be passed through.

  Think we'll ever get out of here tonight? Jack Nicholson asked as they pressed by him, and Amanda shook her head with a smile. She had never met him, but admired him greatly.

  Do you know him? Jack asked with interest.

  No. But I like his movies.

  We should rent yours sometime, he said. He had never thought of it, she spoke so little about her career. Matthew had taught her not to.

  How depressing, she laughed. I can't think of anything worse than seeing what I looked like thirty years ago, and then having to look at myself in the mirror. Besides, I wasn't much of an actress.

  Jack shook his head at her modesty, and they moved a few inches and then were trapped in total gridlock, and the heat and crowd around them was oppressive. She felt as though she were going to melt, and she could just imagine what Jack felt like in his tuxedo. But in spite of the discomforts people were in good spirits, and everyone was laughing and talking and waving at friends they couldn't get to. But just as Jack saw one of his favorite clients about twenty feet away from them, Amanda began to feel dizzy. Jack was mouthing bits of a conversation and pointing to the exits as he rolled his eyes, and Amanda suddenly heard a buzzing in her ears, and her head started pounding. But Jack hadn't noticed. After a while, she tugged at his sleeve, and when he looked back at her, he was startled to see that she had gone deathly pale in just a few minutes.

  I'm not feeling very well, she whispered to him, it's so hot in here ' I'm sorry. '

  Do you want to sit down? He couldn't blame her. It was giving him a headache too, and the camera lights still focused on them weren't helping, and the heat was very oppressive. It was also impossible to reach the seats again. They were trapped in the aisles, and they would have had to fly to get there. Jack realized that as soon as he'd said it, and he glanced at Amanda's face again. She was suddenly not just pale, she was green, and she was blinking as though she was having trouble seeing. He got a firm grip on her arm, and tried to guide her out of the aisle through the crowd, but it was hopeless.

  Jack ' she said weakly, looking at him, and as he looked at her, her eyelids fluttered, her eyes rolled back, and she fainted, and he just managed to catch her as a ripple went through the crowd immediately around her, and a woman gasped as she saw it. Jack was holding Amanda in his arms, and somebody started shouting. People were trying to move for them, everyone was asking what had happened, and Jack was worried sick about her.

  Give us some air, please ' move back! A man next to him was shouting, Call the paramedics! Suddenly it was hysteria all around them, and Amanda was still lifeless in his arms. He swept her off her feet, and her head rested against his chest, just as two ushers appeared out of nowhere with smelling salts and an ice pack, asking what happened. But at the same moment, Amanda began stirring, and glanced up at Jack, with no idea of what had happened to her.

  You fainted, sweetheart ' it's the heat ' just take it easy. ' And like the Red Sea parting, the crush of people moved just enough to let him carry her to a row of seats and he set her down gently. And within seconds, a crew of paramedics arrived and looked down at Amanda, as Jack explained that she had fainted.

  How do you feel now? one of the paramedics asked her.

  Incredibly foolish, Amanda said, smiling weakly at Jack with a look of apology. I'm really sorry.

  Don't be silly, he said, looking worried. She was still light-headed and he could see it. She didn't look as though she could have stood up and walked out of the theater, but she wanted to try it.

  We'll get a wheelchair, one of the ushers offered, and Amanda looked horrified.

  No, really ' I'm fine' . We'll go when the crowd thins out a little.

  But the ushers offered to take her out a back exit instead, and Jack urged them to do that. The paramedics said she was free to go, as long as she felt up to it, but they suggested she see her doctor in the morning, and Jack seconded the motion with a grim expression. He had been telling her that for a month, and she wouldn't listen.

  He put a powerful arm around her waist, and half carried her to the exit between the ushers, and a moment later they were out in the air, and she felt better. She took a deep breath and thanked everyone, and apologized profusely for the trouble she'd caused them. She was deeply grateful that they hadn't been spotted by the press. There was no one waiting for them, and Jack left her with the ushers just long enough to find the limo, and then came back and got her into it. Five minutes later, they were driving away, and she was leaning against the backseat with an exhausted expression.

  I'm so sorry, she said for the ten thousandth time. I don't know what happened.

  That's why you have to see the doctor.

  I think it was just the heat and the crowd. I couldn't breathe all of a sudden, she said, sipping a glass of water he handed her from the bar in the limo. People always faint at the Academy Awards, Jack. I'm just sorry I did it this year.

  Well, don't do it again! He leaned over and kissed her. She still looked beautiful, but very pale. And he was very worried about her. You scared me to death in there. It's a good thing it was so damn crowded, so you couldn't fall when you fainted. At least you didn't hit your head or anything.

  Thank you, Jack. He took such good care of her, and when they got back to his house, she took off her dress, and he tucked her into bed, and she looked like a teenager with her fancy hairdo and her blond hair and her makeup and diamond earrings still on, and then she giggled. I can't believe I did that.

  It was very dramatic, he chided, loosening his tie, and smiling at her. Can I get you anything?Water? Tea? She puckered her brows as she thought about it and then smiled at him. She was starving.

  How about ice cream?

  Ice cream? He looked startled at the question. You must be feeling better at least. I'll see what we've got. What flavor?

  Mmm ' coffee.

  Coming right up. He saluted, and came back with a bowlful two minutes later, and one for him too, and he sat on the bed next to her as they ate it. Maybe you were just hungry, he said hopefully, but he didn't think so. She'd been looking pale lately, and he'd been trying not to see it. She'd been looking great for a while, and now lately, she looked tired. But he knew she was still upset about her children, and they weren't making it any easier for her. They refused to offer any acknowledgment whatsoever, let alone approval, of her relationship with Jack Watson.

  But Jack had decided to take the matter in hand himself the next day. As soon as they got up, he asked her for the number and called her doctor. He told the nurse what had happened the night before, and asked for an appointment that morning for Amanda Kingston.

  And you are? the nurse asked pointedly. She was new there, and she didn't know Amanda.

  Mr. Watson, he said, writing down the time of the appointment.

  Are you Mrs. Kingston's husband?

  No ' I'm her friend. I'll be
there with her.

  Fine, Mr. Watson. We'll see you at eleven. The appointment was in Beverly Hills, and after he brought Amanda a cup of tea and told her about it, he decided to go for a walk on the beach by himself. She seemed happy to stay in bed that morning, and he suspected correctly that she did not feel as well as she pretended. But he didn't challenge her about it. They would know more, hopefully, when they went to the doctor.

  But as he walked down the beach alone, his thoughts seemed to fly in all directions, and he began to run, as though to escape the terror of what he was thinking. Anything was possible ' she could have a brain tumor ' bone cancer ' something that had grown and spread and metastasized without their even knowing it was there. He could only imagine the worst scenarios and when he finally stopped running and sat down, he realized he was crying. But it was happening to him all over again. He had found the one woman in millions he could love, and something terrible was happening to her. He was terrified she was dying. It was going to be just like Dori, he thought as he sobbed, he was going to lose her, and he couldn't bear it. He put his face down on his knees, and huddled there, crying like a child, and he couldn't even turn to her for comfort. He didn't want to frighten her, but more than anything he didn't want to lose her.

  He was gone for nearly an hour, and when he came back she was dressed and waiting, and she looked better than she had earlier, but he was still worried. Nothing was going to reassure him now except the word from the doctor that she wasn't suffering from anything terminal, or malignant. He just couldn't stand it. But he spoke to her with forced cheer, as he put his jacket on and looked at his watch. It was time to leave, in case they ran into traffic.

  All set? he asked nervously. He didn't know why, but he felt as though he were going to the guillotine. It was as though his life was never going to be the same again, and he was never going to come back here to this house again, in the same easy spirit. He was bracing himself for the worst news he could imagine, because he loved her.

  Sweetheart, she said gently, before they left, looking up at him with eyes that tore his heart out, I'm all right. I promise. They'll probably just tell us I have an ulcer. I had one years ago, when the girls were small, and these days that's pretty simple to deal with. A couple of pills, and it'll disappear like magic.

  You should have gone weeks ago, he reproached her, as they walked to his Ferrari.

  I was busy, she said primly, and got in beside him. She loved riding in the car with him usually, but this morning on the way into town, his fast turns and sharp moves made her feel sick, but she didn't dare tell him. She knew he would have been even more frantic.

  Her doctor was in the medical building at 435 North Bedford, the waiting room was full when they got there, and it seemed to take forever. Jack glanced at magazines, and Amanda just sat there with her eyes closed, waiting. He looked over at her from time to time and he hated her pallor and the obvious look of discomfort. He knew she wasn't in pain, he had asked her that, but she just didn't feel well. And there was no way she could still sell him the story about catching the flu from Louise's kids, that had been more than a month before. This was something far more scary.

  A nurse in the doorway finally called her name, and Jack watched as she went in, and smiled at her encouragingly when she glanced over her shoulder. She was nervous too, but they were trying to put a good face on it for each other. But neither of them were convincing.

  And even Amanda had to admit that it was a relief to finally sit there with her doctor. He was kind, and a familiar face, and she had gone to him for nearly twenty years. He had also been Matt's doctor, and he asked her now if she was very lonely. She was embarrassed to tell him about Jack, although he was sitting in the waiting room large as life, so she just nodded, and began telling him her symptoms. She told him about the flu the month before, the occasional queasiness, and her absolute inability to drink coffee or eat chocolate, which she took as a sure sign of an ulcer.

  He asked her if she'd seen her gynecologist recently and had a mammogram and a Pap smear, and she admitted that she hadn't. She had been due for both when Matt died so suddenly, and just hadn't bothered since then.

  You should, you know, he scolded her. At your age, you should have both every year. And she promised that she'd take care of it immediately, and then he asked her if she had any warning signs of menopause, and she explained that lately she was beginning to think that she had some.

  He nodded. At fifty-one, that didn't surprise him. Hot flashes?

  No, not yet. I'm just tired a lot, and irregular. A number of her friends complained of fatigue all the time, although she'd never had that before. But lately, she was constantly exhausted. At first, she had just thought it was a side effect of her new love life. But in the past few weeks, she didn't think so. She could hardly put one foot in front of the other.

  He asked her about a lot of other things, and he was inclined to agree with her. Probably the onset of menopause, and possibly an ulcer.

  I'm going to send you to the hospital for a sonogram, he explained to her. Let's see what that shows, we can always do a GI series after that if it's indicated, but let's not rush into anything yet. And I want you to see your gynecologist tomorrow. He can give you some hormone replacement therapy that may pick you up almost immediately. It's worth talking to him about. She listened and nodded, as he handed her a slip of paper, and told her where to go at Cedars Sinai. And he told her they'd either give her the results there if the radiologist was there, or he'd call her the next day to tell her if she had an ulcer. All right? He smiled at her and stood up, and walked her to the door of his office. And then she went to find Jack, who looked grim as he waited, but he broke into a smile the minute he saw her. He looked like a kid who had lost his mother and finally found her. She had been gone for nearly an hour.

  What did he say?

  Pretty much what I thought. Some ' um ' changes in my body ' and maybe an ulcer. I have to go to the hospital for a sonogram now. Do you want me to drop you off at the store on the way? I hate to waste your whole day with this nonsense. He took forever.

  I'm coming with you, Jack said firmly, but he was relieved that nothing worse had turned up, at least not so far.

  Did he think there was anything to worry about? Jack asked as they got to the car, but she shook her head, looking a little mournful.

  He thought I might need hormones. That's depressing enough. I feel like an old woman.

  Oh sweetheart ' come on ' You're a baby. He always made her feel better, and she smiled sheepishly as she slipped into the passenger seat in the Ferrari and he roared down North Bedford to Cedars Sinai.

  At the hospital, they had to wait forever again, but they finally called her in, and this time Jack decided to come with her. He didn't like hospitals, and he didn't like them messing with her without some supervision. A technician had already explained to them that there was nothing invasive about the test. They would put gel on her abdomen, and roll a transducer around on it, and an image would appear on a screen to tell them if she had any growths or cysts, or possibly an ulcer. It sounded pretty simple. But he still wanted to be with her.

  She undressed in a cubicle, and emerged in a white gown and her shoes, feeling foolish, and he smiled at her as she lay down. They gave him a stool just behind her head, where he could see the screen too, but all it looked like was a weather map of Atlanta. They applied the gel, and the technician began rolling the transducer, much like a microphone, around on her stomach with a little mild pressure. All it felt was cold, and the whole thing was pretty boring. And then they both saw the technician frown, and concentrate on an area low on her stomach. And the pressure of the transducer felt mildly uncomfortable to Amanda while she did it. The technician said she'd be right back, and went to get someone to look at it with her. This time a young resident came, and he introduced himself to both of them, and then glanced at the sonogram with interest.

  Something wrong? Amanda asked, trying to feign a calm she di
dn't feel. She was beginning to panic. It was easy to see that they had seen something that either worried or perplexed them. But the resident was nonchalant when he answered.

  Not at all. We just like to be sure of what we see here. Four eyes are better than two sometimes, but I think we have a pretty clear picture. When was your last period, Mrs. Kingston?

  Two months ago, she said, in a choked voice. She obviously had something wrong with her ovaries ' or her uterus ' it wasn't change of life at all ' it was cancer' . She couldn't even look at Jack as she said it, but the resident nodded.

  That sounds about right, he said, nodding, and then zoomed in on the sonogram screen for a closer view, pressed a button, and a white asterisk appeared on the screen over something that was throbbing. Right here. He pointed at the asterisk with a finger and smiled at them. Can you see that? She nodded, and Jack stared at it blindly. Clearly, that was the root of the problem. Do you know what that is, Mr. and Mrs. Kingston? At their age, it was obvious to him that they were married. Why else would they be together?

  A tumor? she asked hoarsely, as Jack closed his eyes in terror.

  A baby. I'd say you're just about two months pregnant. In fact, if you hold for a minute here, I can computerize your due date.

  My what?' She sat bolt upright and knocked the transducer right off her stomach. I'm what?' She turned to look at Jack as she heard a noise just behind her, and she turned around just in time to see him slip right off the stool, where he had been sitting, on his way to the floor. He had fainted. Oh my God ' I've killed him ' somebody help him! Her bare bottom was sticking out of the gown as she bent over him, and he groaned horribly and touched his head as he stirred, and the resident hit a panic button, and a team of paramedics came running. Jack was awake by then, and Amanda could already feel the bump on the back of his head as she knelt beside him. Oh God ' I'm so sorry ' are you okay? ' The resident sent the paramedics away and the technician went to get some ice, as Jack sat up slowly.